How Are You Doing????????

One of the first things people seem to ask me since we lost Glenn is “How are you doing?” Seems like such a simple question but the answer, not so simple. First, it depends on who is asking the question. For most, it is a gesture, a polite statement so they can get past the awkwardness of my grief and move about their day. For some, when they pose this question, they may be more prepared to stand a moment, look me in the eyes and wait for a more honest response, and for a handful of people, they ask this question fully prepared to sit with me and take space. To not necessarily even require an answer but to just be present in my pain. What I am beginning to make peace with, is that for each and every person described above, I am grateful. I am grateful that you simply asked. The answer doesn’t really matter as much as the question. The truth is, the answer to “How are you doing?”, changes, not just from day to day but from hour to hour, minute to minute and on most days, I am on autopilot. The moments when I sit with my grief and talk to Glenn, I can barely breathe. There really are no eloquent phrases or words to describe the loss of your partner,your real best friend, your other half. But, maybe this will help for those of you who wonder, ” How I’m doing”.

Losing Glenn is by far the hardest thing I ever ever experienced. I realize the only loss greater than your spouse would be losing your child. So, when I have my dark moments of self pity, I acknowledge that others have it much worse and the world is full of pain, I am not special. They say grief comes in waves, well “They” are correct. As time passes, the waves come a little less frequent yet they are actually larger, more furious and take me down deeper and deeper. Maybe this is Acceptance. My reality that Glenn is gone is seeping through in these moments. Its as if my brain is catching up to my truth in small increments, this perhaps, is called Survival.

Glenn dying (and I need to write that word), leaves me with new losses every single minute of every single day. When I reach for my phone to call him to bitch about something that happened, when I need him to pick up something on the way home from work, when our daughter needs a ride home and I can’t be in 2 places at once, when I need to make sure all 3 cars are up to date on oil changes and inspections, all the bills are paid, the house maintenance is taken care of, when the fucking fire alarm goes off for no reason in the middle of the night and you want to scream because your ears hurt so bad but your heart hurts even more because your husband would be So on this shit, taking care of it like it was his sole purpose on earth! When your daughter has to go to the hospital for a procedure and you are sitting there waiting for her to wake up realizing what it really means to be a single parent and a widow all rolled up into one,. When you move your daughter home from college by yourself and begin to look at colleges with your other daughter knowing you will be sending her off alone as well, graduations he will be missing from, life events to come, all without him. The list goes on, the losses are insanity. The pain is lonely and alienating because you are all to aware, that at the end of each day and as I wake up each morning, no matter how many people feel bad,want to help, reach out, etc No one can replace him and no one can get me through this life except me. Some how, I have to get up each day and find the strength to move forward. I know this is what Glenn would do and I know his soul is right there with me, in my heart forever. As much as I want to , I can’t wrap this up in a pretty little bow and make some positive culminating statement at this first year anniversary of Glenn’s death. All I can say, truthfully, is this is hard, Glenn is gone, he is not coming back and it sucks real bad.