COVID19 ;2020

Fear

Isolation

Anxiety

Panic

The Unknown

Something feels awfully familiar……

Today, in this year 2020, 15 months after losing my soulmate, as the world struggles to deal with a pandemic of epic proportion. As I observe all of humanity grappling with these uncertain times, I have a strange sense of dejavu. The anxiety, fear, panic, sleeplessness, the tension arising in chests all over the world, are feelings already known to me. To share in this horror with all you, allows me to exhale, to feel ironically less isolated. Please do not misconstrue my sense of commonality as a lack of compassion. On the contrary, I am overwhelmed with empathy for my fellow humans, particularly the fringes of our population, our elderly and our youth. The reasons are obvious for our older friends and family, they are much more vulnerable to be stricken down by this disease. For our youth, it is simply a loss of innocence. After experiencing this pandemic and all the sequelae that go along with it , there is no going back to the simpler times. Much like children who experienced tragedy or loss at a young age. Like my children who lost their Dad, never will they get to live out their tender youthful years with a carefree spirit, a sense of wild abandon. My heart breaks for all of them.

I have sat on several couches, across from several experts ,as one would have it, on Grief, this past year. I have listened intently, waiting to hear the answer I thought I needed. “ Everything is going to be okay, you will be Okay, you will be Happy again,, blah blah blah” . What I learned is that this answer is elusive. One must learn to live with their grief, and all the questions that go along with it. One must , in order to survive, learn to adapt. Part of that adaption is acceptance of being uncomfortable. Of truly integrating a rhythm of unsteadiness, learning the new dance of your life or rather understanding that some steps can not be learned , there is no choreography to master. To live with grief , loss, heartbreak, is to live with the ability to improvise and embrace the beauty and the pain while Simultaneously allowing things play out , transform into new Life. So as I sit in solitude today , like the 467 days before me, I have grown accustomed to being uncomfortable. I have learned the importance of allowing all the feelings in, the good, the bad , the ugly. To let them pervade my body, mind and soul, percolate and then exit leaving me exhausted , coming out stronger. This is my wish for all of us, to come out of this not only stronger, more resilient , but perhaps more connected as Humans. As we understand the virus attacks on a cellular level , not distinguishing race, gender, social status. I dare to dream of the Altruistic retort of humanity to Break down the walls of divisiveness and go viral with love towards our fellow humans 💕