Waking up on my 1/4 of the bed

Something shifted as I woke up this morning. I was at the edge of the bed, almost falling off, new since Glenn died. My quarter of the bed. What was different this morning was that this hanging out at the edge of the bed, like trying to slip away from my old life, suddenly felt like my new normal. It’s as if I finally transitioned in my sleep into this new life. The sense of almost falling, barely hanging on, slipping away has become what I recognize now. I no longer feel the need to look over to the other side of the bed, to let my brain acknowledge that Glenn is gone. I already know it, I don’t like it, I never will but I have slid away to the other side and live in this new space of unsteadiness, uneasiness, on the edge without the ability to go back to the comfort of the middle of our bed. Perhaps someday I will find myself waking up in the middle of the bed, outstretched and relaxed, ready for whatever life brings me that day or perhaps those mornings are gone forever. For now , today , I am okay with living in the space that allows me to wake up on my quarter of the bed. It may not be comfortable but it is real, and it is growth. As we all know there is no comfort in growth. So today I acknowledge where I have been, the days when I woke to a full comfortable bed, my life as Glenn’s wife. I also take ownership of where I am, the space where Glenn no longer lives, but where I must stay for a while anyway, my uneasy yet enough quarter of the bed.

Please Fix This

Anyone who knew my husband , knew that he was incredibly intelligent, a thinker , I would go so far as describing him as a true Renaissance man. He was my Fixer. From the very first time we met, at the gym, he was there to help me use the equipment. I was in graduate school and he helped me type my papers. I would soon learn that if a task needed to be completed, big or small, Glenn was my go to person, and…he was the go to person for many people and for many reasons.

Lets see, if one needed help moving furniture, no problem, of course it goes without saying , any computer issue was basically resolved at first tap of the keyboard. Glenn’s ability to fix things went far beyond technical issues, he was his families go to for financial advice, mortgage questions, paperwork filings, and for matters of the heart and hurt, he once again rose as a leader, whether it was mediating a disagreement, handling a crisis of any sort or managing funeral arrangements , along with the stressors that go with these things. He took care of everything and everybody, he fixed things.

So here I am , trying desperately to function in this world without Glenn. It seems every step forward there are 3 more back. Every corner I turn, there is something new to navigate. From lightbulbs, to fire alarms, boilers to water tanks, rodents to lawncare, bills to financial planning. It never ends, instead it just keeps coming like waves of To Do lists. These waves rush in to remind me once again , the gravity of my loss, our girls loss, the world’s loss of Glenn. I can’t fix this, Glenn was the Fixer, of everything big and a million things small, from the moment I met him at Gold’s Gym, to the very last days of his life here on earth, he dug his heels in and lived that role, wore that title like a badge of honor. The irony of his role and the one thing he couldn’t fix, is not lost on me. No, it is not lost, it smacks me in the face, stings like a burn that just wont heal every morning of every day that I get the gift of opening my eyes to this world and life that I must learn to live in without my Fixer, my Go To person, my best friend, my heart, my soul, my everything.

How Are You Doing????????

One of the first things people seem to ask me since we lost Glenn is “How are you doing?” Seems like such a simple question but the answer, not so simple. First, it depends on who is asking the question. For most, it is a gesture, a polite statement so they can get past the awkwardness of my grief and move about their day. For some, when they pose this question, they may be more prepared to stand a moment, look me in the eyes and wait for a more honest response, and for a handful of people, they ask this question fully prepared to sit with me and take space. To not necessarily even require an answer but to just be present in my pain. What I am beginning to make peace with, is that for each and every person described above, I am grateful. I am grateful that you simply asked. The answer doesn’t really matter as much as the question. The truth is, the answer to “How are you doing?”, changes, not just from day to day but from hour to hour, minute to minute and on most days, I am on autopilot. The moments when I sit with my grief and talk to Glenn, I can barely breathe. There really are no eloquent phrases or words to describe the loss of your partner,your real best friend, your other half. But, maybe this will help for those of you who wonder, ” How I’m doing”.

Losing Glenn is by far the hardest thing I ever ever experienced. I realize the only loss greater than your spouse would be losing your child. So, when I have my dark moments of self pity, I acknowledge that others have it much worse and the world is full of pain, I am not special. They say grief comes in waves, well “They” are correct. As time passes, the waves come a little less frequent yet they are actually larger, more furious and take me down deeper and deeper. Maybe this is Acceptance. My reality that Glenn is gone is seeping through in these moments. Its as if my brain is catching up to my truth in small increments, this perhaps, is called Survival.

Glenn dying (and I need to write that word), leaves me with new losses every single minute of every single day. When I reach for my phone to call him to bitch about something that happened, when I need him to pick up something on the way home from work, when our daughter needs a ride home and I can’t be in 2 places at once, when I need to make sure all 3 cars are up to date on oil changes and inspections, all the bills are paid, the house maintenance is taken care of, when the fucking fire alarm goes off for no reason in the middle of the night and you want to scream because your ears hurt so bad but your heart hurts even more because your husband would be So on this shit, taking care of it like it was his sole purpose on earth! When your daughter has to go to the hospital for a procedure and you are sitting there waiting for her to wake up realizing what it really means to be a single parent and a widow all rolled up into one,. When you move your daughter home from college by yourself and begin to look at colleges with your other daughter knowing you will be sending her off alone as well, graduations he will be missing from, life events to come, all without him. The list goes on, the losses are insanity. The pain is lonely and alienating because you are all to aware, that at the end of each day and as I wake up each morning, no matter how many people feel bad,want to help, reach out, etc No one can replace him and no one can get me through this life except me. Some how, I have to get up each day and find the strength to move forward. I know this is what Glenn would do and I know his soul is right there with me, in my heart forever. As much as I want to , I can’t wrap this up in a pretty little bow and make some positive culminating statement at this first year anniversary of Glenn’s death. All I can say, truthfully, is this is hard, Glenn is gone, he is not coming back and it sucks real bad.

WTF

Soooo, my husband died, yup, he died, gone from this earth, no longer here, my partner, soulmate, for 27 years, married for 21 years, father to our 3 teenage daughters…..gone…WTF!!! The details of his demise are not really for this blog. The point here is that , he is gone!! 51 yo , healthy strong active, crazy intelligent, crazy stubborn, always right, never wrong, Mr. Fixer, my GO TO person, is no longer here on this earth. I am utterly lost, to raise our teenage girls on my own, just floating around, all of my footing lost, completely uncertain of myself, my own thoughts, desires, wants, needs have always been tied up in my husband’s thoughts, desires, wants and needs. WTF!!

I consider myself a fairly intelligent, independent woman. Well, at least I have always considered myself this, within the framework of being married to my husband for the past 21 years. Right now, I truly have no idea who or what I am. I do recognize some human feelings that I can own, such as profound sadness. Sadness that I had no concept of prior to losing my husband. Sadness that punches me in the gut and takes my breathe away on a daily basis,that makes my body ache all over and wakes me at 3:00 am every single day to remind me what I am sad about. Sadness…..Another feeling that I am faced with every day is Anger. Wow, how ironic that I used to tell my husband that I was worried about his anger that he held onto. Well, he doesn’t have to hold onto it anymore and I have not missed a beat in picking it up for him, carrying it like a cross to bear, the burden of grief. Angry at God, the universe, for taking my beautiful strong amazing stubborn Love of my life husband from us. Angry that my life as I knew it is gone, that at 49 years old, I am forced to recreate a new version of my life, while having to raise our children, in their teen years, all by myself. I never wanted this life, not what I signed on for, yet that really doesn’t matter. I am suddenly forced to swallow the biggest proverbial pill of my life. My husband is gone from this earth and I have entered the Abyss. I am now on this journey and I am grappling for anchors of support wherever I can get them as I free fall, but instead of jumping from the plane,I was pushed off.