WTF

Soooo, my husband died, yup, he died, gone from this earth, no longer here, my partner, soulmate, for 27 years, married for 21 years, father to our 3 teenage daughters…..gone…WTF!!! The details of his demise are not really for this blog. The point here is that , he is gone!! 51 yo , healthy strong active, crazy intelligent, crazy stubborn, always right, never wrong, Mr. Fixer, my GO TO person, is no longer here on this earth. I am utterly lost, to raise our teenage girls on my own, just floating around, all of my footing lost, completely uncertain of myself, my own thoughts, desires, wants, needs have always been tied up in my husband’s thoughts, desires, wants and needs. WTF!!

I consider myself a fairly intelligent, independent woman. Well, at least I have always considered myself this, within the framework of being married to my husband for the past 21 years. Right now, I truly have no idea who or what I am. I do recognize some human feelings that I can own, such as profound sadness. Sadness that I had no concept of prior to losing my husband. Sadness that punches me in the gut and takes my breathe away on a daily basis,that makes my body ache all over and wakes me at 3:00 am every single day to remind me what I am sad about. Sadness…..Another feeling that I am faced with every day is Anger. Wow, how ironic that I used to tell my husband that I was worried about his anger that he held onto. Well, he doesn’t have to hold onto it anymore and I have not missed a beat in picking it up for him, carrying it like a cross to bear, the burden of grief. Angry at God, the universe, for taking my beautiful strong amazing stubborn Love of my life husband from us. Angry that my life as I knew it is gone, that at 49 years old, I am forced to recreate a new version of my life, while having to raise our children, in their teen years, all by myself. I never wanted this life, not what I signed on for, yet that really doesn’t matter. I am suddenly forced to swallow the biggest proverbial pill of my life. My husband is gone from this earth and I have entered the Abyss. I am now on this journey and I am grappling for anchors of support wherever I can get them as I free fall, but instead of jumping from the plane,I was pushed off.