The Gift

“To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift” Steve Prefontaine

This quote was one of Glenn’s favorites, so much so that I had a large poster of Steve Prefontaine running with this quote framed for him and it hung in his office at Salve Regina until the day he died. It now sits on a small ledge along the stairwell to our basement. I have passed it by a thousand times since Glenn left this earth and only recently mustered up the courage to glance at it. It was like looking into my husband’s soul. The very best of Glenn, the dreamer. So full of hope and passion for his life, for our life for all of our plans to be fulfilled. I was angry at this poster, at what it represented to both myself and Glenn. What a sham! A bunch of Bull#%$! really?? You give your best and this is what you get??

At 2 years, 8 months, 10 days since Glenn left this earth, I have had a paradigm shift. I no longer scurry by the poster in my stairwell. Sometimes I even stop, glance at it and touch it lightly as if I could jump into it , transcend space and time and run alongside Steve. Perhaps we could chat for a bit in between me gasping for air, about the Gift of life and how to best accept and use it each and every day we have on this beautiful earth.

When I first started running, I remember my husband would explain to me about the endorphin rush I would eventually feel once I got past a certain point and then my running would just take off. I would feel lighter and there would be an ease about my body. If I kept going, despite the pain in my joints, and the battle of my lungs and body attempting to align into some sort of rhythm, I would eventually feel it, that triumph of the runner’s high and then and only then, I could persevere and finish strong.

Lately I find myself thinking about running again. I really have not run any races or substantial distances since Glenn was diagnosed. The fact that I am contemplating running again is big progress with respect to reengaging in life. Running is actually a perfect metaphor for life. You start down a path, sometimes its smooth and easy, you are enjoying the process and then as you continue, it gets more intense, more labored, you have to focus and make decisions as to how you want to proceed., how you want to expend your energy. Do you want to take a break, maybe walk for a bit? Do you want to keep going, but slow down and take in some of your surroundings? Or maybe you pick up your pace, try and get ahead of the masses, emerge as a leader for a while. Whatever it is you decide, you eventually need to get back on the path, keep going, not for your friends or your family, but ultimately for you. We come into this world alone and we leave it alone,so if you can’t learn to be comfortable with yourself along the way, you will never be comfortable in this life. Running much like living , is an individual practice. It is not a free ride, we have to put the effort in to reap the Gifts.

Lately I want to talk about those Gifts. I want to scream from the rooftops, but instead I keep it close, I protect it with a fierce calculated intensity, because I know how precious it is, and I recognize the Gift. I am coming into my own, putting the work in and opening myself up to new energy. I am in discovery mode and it is surreal at times. I understand about vibrations, frequency and energy. I acknowledge the Gifts presented to me each day and it is good, it is real. But understand, this, all of it , is a choice. I haven’t joined a cult, I haven’t lost my mind. On the contrary, I have learned to BE with myself. I’ve learned the importance of being enough, of being content with the present, no longer always searching for the what ifs or the “maybe someday” mentality. To actually understand that at any moment my life on this earth could no longer exist, and then to take that knowledge and integrate it into a way of life. To ask myself, Am I enough? Have I done enough? How can I perhaps help someone to feel better in a moment in time, to lift their spirits, make them feel heard. What do I want out of this life? What does anyone want? To be heard, to feel connected to another human, to be able to just exhale….Peace.

I grew up Catholic and to be honest so much of what I was exposed to did not resonate with me. However there was a line that the Priest always recited just before we offered a sign of peace to one another. “Lord Jesus Christ, who said to your Apostles: Peace I leave you, my Peace I give you, look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church, and graciously grant her peace and unity in accordance with your will. Who live and reign for ever and ever.” This line, with the word Peace always sat well with my soul. It was right, it was good, it was Peace. This is something we can offer one another on this earth every day and in doing so, we allow Peace into our own lives. It is simple and yet so often missed.

In the past I never really subscribed to the notion of mantras. I left that to the more evolved spiritual guru types. Yes I just lumped them all together in my mind as “those people”. Lately I imagine “those people” are the tribe of the broken. The people who have experienced pain, loss, grief, trauma and made a choice somewhere along their journey to allow that pain in. To let it absorb into their souls and morph them into a higher state of being.To have the courage and audacity to believe that no matter how much darkness they have observed, there is still light to be found. They had choice in the stories they told themselves. Their mantras were on purpose, they were set to change the wiring of their brains. I recognize that this is work, I choose to believe it is the very best work life has to offer us.

The gifts of this kind of work will show up …..this I believe…..

We are all just one run away from feeling better

Much Love,

Michelle