It’s OK

There is a level

Of loneliness

that comes

after losing your spouse

that no words could ever describe. If your determined , you can fill your new life with the most beautiful souls,

You can cultivate new activities or hobbies, you can join a new church or FB group, You can open yourself up to a new love and a new relationship, 

The list goes on, much like time Goes on, and then one day almost 4 years after your spouse is gone from the earth you find yourself alone thinking about times that have passed, you realize that your parents are getting older your kids are getting older and you yourself are getting older. One starts to wonder am I running from something or towards something? am I trying to escape death or am I trying to capture life? My children will, with God‘s grace, immerse themselves in their youth and all that life has to offer despite the loss of their dad. My siblings have their own families and spouses to share their lives with,my parents although elderly have each other to grow old with. And truthfully I have found a wonderful amazing new love to share my life with💕

It’s all there for the taking if you will. Yet at times I still find myself alone, longing for the security of a past life. An imperfect life yet a life that I knew and understood,a life that offered me no surprises,a life that was planned out, signed sealed and delivered. A home that housed a family which is no longer there forever changed with the loss of our Captain. At times as I sit alone and close my eyes I can still hear the sounds of our children’s birthday parties,

Their laughter…

I can still smell the chocolate as we stuffed a hundred Easter eggs for our girls to find in the yard on Easter morning. I can still recall Sunday morning breakfasts that were a staple in our family routine.

So

Today I remember the past. I miss the familiarity of my past life. I often feel like a stranger in my own life someone who’s still trying to fit in and figure out where they belong. I’ve come to accept that I may always feel like a stranger in my own life that getting your life as you know it ripped away in the middle of raising your family at 48 years old, watching your healthy strong husband die a slow painful death for almost a year before he was able to pass on to his next journey. These are the things that break you. these are the things that make you feel like you’ll never be whole again. These are the things that keep you up at 3 o’clock in the morning looking at your phone peeking into other peoples family lives and finding yourself envious and angry. These are also the things that make you want to  be better,

that make you want to get out of bed and remember to take a breath and smile because you get another day. After almost 4 years of running. Running from the trauma of my past life, running from the pain and horrific memories of watching my husband die, I find myself Still these days. I find it necessary to pause more often and take notice of this precious transitionary time. I feel a battle within me I’m trying to push myself into a new version of me with a new life yet not wanting to let go of my past life. No one is telling me I have to let go of my past life but I find a deep burning knowledge that I must let go in order to move forward. Whether I let go or not I’m still moving forward and what I’m finding is much of my past life has already let go of me. I didn’t have to make any decisions about letting go because people just went away along with the memories and the experiences. perhaps my pain and my children’s pain was too much for them to handle perhaps they thought they were bothering me or they didn’t want to be a painful memory for me whatever it is many people have left us,

they’ve let us go. I suppose this is okay, but even if it was not Okay, it has to be okay because I didn’t get a choice. I am familiar with this feeling of not getting a choice in my circumstances or in life circumstances in general. Sometimes the anger in me would like everybody to know what it’s like to not have a choice. That’s the human side of me. The ugly Darkside that we all have, a side that’s not put on social media it’s not on your Instagram feed or your Facebook page but it’s real. Thankfully most days during this pause I am grateful. Grateful for another day to spend with the people I love and the people who love me. Grateful to interact and make connections with other humans who are willing to open them selves to the energy of the human spirit. So I’m transitioning still a bit untethered and it’s OK truly💕